30 days

November 5, 2014
10:21 AM
Panglao, Philippines
Cloudy warm day

Dear Life,

I always apologies every time I start letters for you as I SHOULD write more often to you. You might think that I have more time now that Im back home. But apparently if I have that time I should have written more often. Excuses....I know. I do not want you to think that I am taking you for granted and have forgotten about you because I simply have not. 

Anyway, enough of that. YES! It has been a month since I arrived back and WOW! what a a month of positive changes I am in. Perhaps all of these positive changes makes me busy these days which is very good. Im not only looking after guests which I am very lucky and very thankful to have but I also have time to look after myself. 

I am surprising myself on the things that I am doing for myself now. I have been doing more Yoga, improving my diet and walking India longer regularly. India and I are FIT and healthy which is very good. All of these piled up to me studying more about Psychology is keeping me more than preoccupied but also 'evolving' me. Yes I am currently 'evolving' into someone I believe to be a better me.

I really need to write to you more often. It does help me a lot when I do.


Lots of Love,
M. xxxxx

Positive Changes

October 19, 2014
7:18 P.M.
Incense Evening


Dear Life,

How are you? I am sitting tonight in a state of content having had a very good week and had a good weekend. I just had a simple dinner of left over stir fry vegetables with a good glass of Shiraz. I think the wine made the night very good and easy plus writing to you listening to blues is simply divine.

I always apolgise for not sending you letters as often as much as I can. I know I have reasons but still it would be better if I would write to you within the week but sadly I have forgotten as I have been busy.

Monday was the start of classes. Classes? Of course I must have forgotten to mention that I am taking online classes now. It is part of my goal to have positive changes in this new chapter in my life. I even went to the extent of finding a corner in my bedroom to place a study table. I am no doubting very interested in putting myself in a new routine which includes making the best of my day. Studying is something I am very drawn to so at the moment I am learning:

Spanish
Pyschology
Tourism

I really want to learn a new language and as much as I want to learn French, Spanish is more practical and would be very uselful considering it is the 2nd most spoken language after Chinese. It has been my dream to study Psychology but never had the chance to do so and now that I am given the chance to do it I AM TAKING THE CHANCE. Tourism is something that I can apply immediately with the industry that I am now in.

Aside from starting and enjoying my first week of class and mind you I have made myself a class schedule so that I will have focus too, I also decided to have a new hair style. I had the old hairstyle for yonks and so it is time for a change. There is more............I am also dedicating myself to doing more exercise. I have been practicing Yoga for 10 years but not as religiously as I need to. So now Im doing it everyday and Im improving my diet too as I want to gain a bit of weight. ;)

WOW!! You must think so many has happened for this week alone. Ohhhhh wait I must not forget that I have been busy with looking after guests too which most of them are 11th hour bookings. I have finally met and spoken to my closest friends. I cried when I hugged them but Im very lucky to have friends who support and love me. 

One of the most important thing that I did as well was to clear David's side of the wardrobe. It was essential for me to do it by myself. It was not easy but I did it. It was therapeutic for me to have done it, to put my past aside so that I will have space for my future. 

There are still a lot of stories that I havent mentioned to you but I will eventually find the perfect time to tell you all about it. For tonight I am content and happy. This I will treasure. 

All My Love,

Mykee xxxxxx

Home, My Sanctuary

Oct. 10, 2014

1:49 PM

Warm Philippines

Dear Life,

I am sitting here relaxed surrounded by the warm tropical heat. It has been a week now since I left England and I am happy to be back home. There are a lot of things that I really did not realise that I would miss so much and now that I am back here it just gives me more appreciation to them. 

The home that my partner had built over looks the sea. The sea has been a constant companion of mine for the past six years and how blesses
d I am to be see her again. Even trivial things that seem annoying before like goats bleeting and the cockerels crowing in the morning makes me realise that I am home, safe and sound. This house is more than just a home. This is my sanctuary. 

Of course, how could I ever forget my best friend India who greeted me with wagging tail and lots of doggy licks. She in a funny inspirs me always stay positive as she always is one happy dog. 

Now that I am back home things in me have changed. The two months that I have spent in England was the time you gave me to close one important chapter in my life and to start a new one too. There is no doubting that to an extent I really did not control my own life freely. Some circumstances demanded me to let go of my freedom. Now, I am making the choice to be wise and savour the freedom that I now have. 

There are so many things that I want to write to you. But I will be patient. For now I just want to say 

Thank you for bringing me home. Thank you for bringing me back to my sanctuary. 

Lots of Love,

Mykee xxxx  

Heading back home xxx

Oct. 4, 2014

3:59 PM

Amsterdam Schipol Airport

Dear Life,

I must apologise firstly for not able to write to you. I have been very busy with my last week in England that I have forgotten to write to you. Too many things had happened and they are all good ones.

Where do I start?

London trip was absolutely great. Friends of mine had a great Sunday and our first stop was at Buckingham palace and lucky us we saw the changing of the gaurds. We had a good walk around Picadilly circus & walked pass by The Ritz and posh shops down to Downing street and Houses of Parliament and Big Ben. We had sandwiches across the London eye and simply savoured the atmosphere. We took another train and headed off to London bridge and into the Poppies of The Tower of London. We then went back to Piccadilly and met with one of my partner's close friend - A. & we all had coffee, tea with cakes and good conversation.

A. gave me a lovely present. She handed out a purple bag to me and in it a box. I opened it and  in it was a exquisite silk handkerchief from Liberty London. She told me that once in her life she was.going through very tough times and someone gave her a Liberty hnadkerchief, something to wipe my tears away. A. & and I had a good conversation. She is going through painful time for she is trying to settle her divorce which is always messy. I am going througj a lot myself but I made the decision to let go of everything that I dont have control of and to stay focus and be positive of my future. We said goodbye to A. and on our way to the station she gave me a kiss on the cheek. She and I habe something in common that we try to hide which is Pain. Later that night she sent me a text telling me that I am inspiring.

My last week in England made me realise on what I want to do with my future. What Ive experienced in London is something I want to have, to be surrounded with art, culture, ballet, theater, food and rich history and so much more is something I CRAVE FOR!

I have decided to be in England. Study, work and eventually be a citizen. I have fallen in love with.England that I am determined to live there in time. It wont be easy getting there but I am more than focus and determined.

So I left England with the hope that I will be back to live my dream. I will do my best to have it.

Ill write to yoi as soon as Im settled back home.

Love,

Mykee xxx

Shopping Galore

Sept. 26, 2014
Friday
Warwick, U.K.

 

Dear Life,

 

Im sitting quite comfortably watching "Murder She Wrote", dont ask- Im not holding the remote. I had a good day of shopping galore a.k.a therapy day. I really did not get anything fancy nor expensive. I bought something that I always wanted to have. I got myself a silver signet ring from an antique shop, a sleeping buddha and Ganesh from am Asian store. Yes I have a hippie side. The other day I got good bargains from the charity shop I volunteer at Leamington, gifts for mama & my trustworthy maid back home and more hippie things because I bought incense sticks.

 

I feel this sense of freedom by doing trivial things like shopping. I barely go shopping for what I want. Why? Well that is another letter to write. Now, Im just happy to have today.

 

Love,
M. Xxx

 

 

Bonjour!

Sept. 22, 2014
9:26 A.M.
Warwick, U. K.
Tea morning


Dear Life,

I have problems with my old laptop which might be one reason why as much as I want to write away I hesitate. A few of my letters wont work namely -- z x c v m , . and enter tab. So I a using onscreen keyboard to type these letters in. Anyway, as long as I still can write but it does take time.

 

Weekend went well, and I challenged myself to get on the train after 8 years of not getting into one. Considering that the only transport that I have in the island I live are jeepneys and taxis and the last train I took was in Singapore 8 years ago when I was there looking for work. I managed train journeys well in Singapore but I suppose everything is new to me here in England to an extent. It would be odd to you on why I am making such a big deal about this train journey but to be honest it is something important to me. I did it and I managed to do it by myself. It gave me confidence that it really doesn't seem bad at all as long as you ask for help as I did when I got to the station. I must admit that I got worried that I might get lost, be on the wrong platform and end up in London!!!

 

Anyway I did ask for help and I made it to the other end.

 

Worrying doesn't help as I already know but sometimes could not help myself especially when I am going into something new and different. That train journey was significant to me because it gave me an assurance that new things are not so daunting and help is always around when I need it.

 

Ending this letter with this article I read on the paper. I hope you will like it as well.

 

Tiny steps that'll transform your life.

 

By the way I have decided to start French lessons last Friday too. I always wanted to learn French and so I am now. C'est magnifique!!

I will write to you soon dear Life.


Love,
M xox

Wales and Heartaches

Sept. 20, 2014

Cool morning

Autumn

Warwick, U.K.

 

 

Dear Life,

 

Has been it a week or so since I wrote to you. Perhaps you have might have thought that I have forgotten about you. Well I have not. Simply because you certainly know how to make things very challenging for me.

 

My holiday in Wales was absolutely beautiful. Before heading off to that week holiday everyone was telling me that I need to get some wellington boots and waxed jacket simply because it always rains in Wales. Well, I did but I was ever so lucky with that weather as I really did not need it the whole time I was there. Not single drop of rain.

 

I was actually invited by two women one of them is my friend. They also brought with them their dogs. As soon as we got into Bournemouth, Wales and I finally saw the sea it made me emotional. I never realized how much I have missed it. My house back home sits on the edge of the sea and it has been my companion for the past years.

 

The whole week was pure relaxing and fun at the same time. Of course I am the tourist so the ladies made sure I see the sights which I did. The three dogs enjoyed the freedom to run as much as they can especially on the beach.

 

 

 

 

I shall never forget that week in Wales for it helped me clear my head and my emotions too.

 

When I got back fro Wales we received a letter informing us of that my partner's June 2014 will was not honored since there is only one witness to it and that probate office has decided only to honor the 2008 will which was drawn prior to me and my partner meeting.  The 2008 will only has beneficiary- her god daughter. The father is my partner's ex partner. I immediately rang him and we had a serious conversation regarding the will and he promised me that he will help me and that he will honor my partner's last will. That was on a Sunday.

 

The following Monday he has already changed his mind and decided not to help me. I will have no single penny from the estate. I was devastated and hit rock bottom. Luckily I still have the house since that was not mentioned in the 2008 will.

 

I cried, yes, because I trusted my partner's friends and they were the ones who turned their backs not only to me but to my partner too especially now.

 

I will have to head home very soon and by then leave all these heartaches behind. I have reached the bottom so there is no way but up.

 

 

Savoring Life One Day at a Time.

 

 

Love,

M xox

Escaping Drama

Sept. 9, 2014

10: 13 P.M.

Warwick, U.K.



Dear Life,

Just ended another week and what a roller coaster week it has been. My emotions were everywhere and tonight was no exemption. I honestly just don't want to think about it right now. I was only thinking of going for a week holiday to Wales with friends and their dogs. I miss the sea so much and I feel that I just need the energy around me to heal me but tonight, my partner's ex rang on the phone and started to stir things regarding our set of close  friends and how they were disappointed with my partner- D. This is an ongoing drama right after the funeral which is starting to really annoy me.

I really am not in the mood to write tonight on why they are disappointed simply because it is a very long story. Perhaps one day Ill manage to do so but it all boils down to D's secrets. It made me angry as I don't need this drama now, not now when I am trying to fix myself from my lost.

 

 

 

 

For now I just need to escape all of this drama.

 

 

Savouring Life One Day at a Time.

 

 

 

Love,

 

Mykee xox



Bad day

Sept. 3, 2014

10:20 P.M

 

Warwick, U.K.

 

 

Dear Life,

 

 

Not a very good day today. I saw his photos and video.

 

Heartbreaking.

 

I miss him very much.

 

It made me drink wine as early as noon. I had 5 glasses today which beyond my limit of a glass a day.

 

Lost and Heart break are torturous. I rather be burned alive.

 

 

 

 

I still Love hIm.

 

 

Mykee xxx

Fab Weekend

August 31, 2014

8:47 A.M

Sade morning

Warwick U.K.



Dear Life,

It is the last day of August and yes summer in Britain is slowly ceasing and cool autumn breeze is creeping in.

I really do not want to write about something poignant today. I just want to write on how good my weekend is. Friday I went to a 60th birthday party. We surprised Collin who is a close family friend (of my friend). There were about 20 close friends in the pub who all love Collin dearly. He was dumbstruck! To be at the age and celebrate it with all the people you love dearly is memorable. He did end up crying - bless him. I met new faces and was sociable that night - plus the red wine did help. We went to a curry house after that and brought the party with us.

Sitting there with new faces around me makes me think that everyone have stories to tell. I even spotted two gay couple having dinner which made me miss my love. But there is no doubting that I had a very good Friday night.

Saturday came and thank God I did not had any hang over, two of my close lovely friends took me to a country house Compton Verney - built 15th century. We had afternoon tea. It was indeed a treat! My partner did visit this place a few times and I was happy to have seen it too.

 

 

 

 

Sunday was even better when close friends took me to Warwick castle (built 1070). I am amazed by the history of the place both in and out. The weather was also beautiful and we even saw jousting in the castle ground.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am enjoying the last bit of summer and there is no doubting that my weekend was fabulous!!

 

 

 

Savoring Life One Day at a Time

 

 

 

Love,

 

 

M. xox

 

 





Fear

August 30, 2014

8:57 A.M.

Listening to M. Peyroux

Warwick, U.K.

Dear Life,

Feeling down today. One of those days but glad that I read this:


“My goal right now is to keep walking through fear,” he continues. “I think everyone has that feeling that they are meant for something more. That there is this form of self-actualisation that has yet to occur. Fear is the only thing that stops us achieving our goals.”

                                                                                                                              Jason Segel

Battling on.

Savoring Life One day at a Time.


Love,

M. xxx

Singlehood

August 29, 2014

 

7:33 A.M

 

Tea morning

 

Warwick, U.K.

 

 

Dear Life,

 

 

Starting a new life for myself is something that I thought would be easy simply because my beloved partner and I discussed about my future before he passed away. Both he and I are on the same boat with regards to worrying each other and so he wanted to make sure that I will be set for life. Now that the my future is slowly unfolding before me it seems daunting even if I have prepared myself for it. I suppose to an extent it is like going into battle. You can prepare yourself for months or years but when the day comes that you have to face reality ---FEAR-- strikes and grips you and all you can do is embrace and keep battling on. 

 

So yes, as Fearful as I am now I shall keep battling on.

 

The one thing that terrifies me is going on through life by myself. I certainly found not only love in my partner but more than that I found comfort. Comfort in knowing that we will take care of each other.  That comfort is no longer there. Going through life by myself for now is something that I have to get use to and yes it does take courage.

 

I still feel lucky considering what life has put me through. It is very difficult to count your blessings when you are absolutely heartbroken but I tried and still trying. I am thankful that I am still conscious of everything that is going on around me. That I still can pick up morsels of life messages whispering "I will be alright". Perhaps it is my partner still looking after me.

 

It took me some time to register in my head that I single now. That it is alright to be single. That I can manage to be single. To some or even a lot of people being a single person seems lonesome which I find to be untrue. I have met people who are single, who embraced it, and they are happily content. Yes, I will need to get used to the thought that I am now.....for now. I also need time to grieve and start this chapter of my life properly before I let anyone into my life. I need to take time to bake another cake and when the right person comes along --- he will be the icing on it.

 

I start this new chapter in my life as a single person. A single person facing Life Uncertainties might be daunting but to face it nevertheless is the key in starting all over. Loneliness might come but I need to remind myself that I am never alone in this journey.

 

Savoring Life One day at a Time.

 

 

Love,

M. xxx

Freedom

 

 

August 27, 2014

 

8:08 A.M.

 

Warm Summer morning

 

Warwick, U.K.

 

 

 

Dear Life,

 

The past days has been cold and raining and I honestly miss my tropical sunshine but I am glad that while writing this letter I am getting some warm sunshine out of my bedroom window which is very refreshing.

 

My last letter talked about embracing uncertainties. Today I want to write about embracing freedom.

 

For the past seven years I made sure that my needs were set aside. To have a partner who is going through cancer takes more than strength and patience. It takes so MUCH LOVE for anybody to stand beside a person who is going through this illness.  My partner's needs was my priority and purpose. I primarily focused on that and to make sure that he is also happy, which I believe he was. Truth be told I went into a bit of depression when I realized that without my partner I could find no purpose. I felt useless and unwanted. I even contemplated on shaving my hair off and thankfully there isn't any electric shaver around the house. A form of erasing myself.

 

When I write about "Embracing Freedom" it really doesn't mean that my life for the past years has been a prison cell. Truth be told if we are given a great responsibility we do sometimes feel that we are held back in living our lives to an extent. I placed my life on hold for the man that I love. It was a choice that I made and something that I have no regrets whatsoever. I did it for Love and it was all worth it.

 

Embracing freedom for me now means that the responsibility of looking after someone is finished. I am FREE to make a new choice in this new chapter of my life and the choice that I make and will make from now on is:

 

To Look After Myself

 

For someone like me whose nature is to nurture someone than himself there is no doubt that this choice is something that I will have to get used to.

 

Something new for this new chapter of my Life.

 

Savoring Life One day at a Time.

 

Love,

 

M. xxx

Inspired

August 25, 2014

10:08 P.M.

Cool Summer night

Warwick, U.K.

 

Dear Life,

Here I am again writing. It has been .... i don’t know.... centuries to be honest since I have written something. It feels like it. I know for certain that I only write when I am inspired. So yes, tonight I am going to write and perhaps many nights from now I shall write again and again.

My partner of seven years just died of cancer. A month ago I was travelling every single day by bus and spent the whole day with him. He would have good days but when the bad days come it would be very bad. He would be screaming with pain and something that I wish to forget. I shall never forget the night when he passed away. I already knew it was time hours before he left. It was about 8 at night when I was left alone with him. He was already so drugged up we were only waiting for his body to shut down. At that point he was unresponsive but I know My Love could still hear me. I spoke to him for the very last time that warm July night. I told him how much he is love by his very close friends and brother. I told him how much I love him and how much I learned to love someone because of him. We both worry so much of eachother and I knew he was worried of leaving me behind. I reassured him that I will be alright and that he doesnt need to worry about anything at all. He has been very strong and very brave not only through his battle with cancer but all through his life that it was alright for him to rest. I will never forget me playing our favourite song “La Mer” and when I turned the music off I told him that we will sleep together. I kisses him and told him how much I love him that I shall carry his love forever with me. I placed my head over his shoulder to sleep that night. I slept deeply and an hour after the nurse woke me up to tell me My Love has passed away. I was in complete shocked, everything stopped and I felt that I was in different time and place. I could barely cry at that moment.

I rang a good friend of ours and she rushed to fetch me. I met her at the driveway. When I met her she hugged me and my cries echoed through the night. I shall never forget the cool breeze that night and the pain that my cries carried through the place.

The following days came as a complete blur of doing paper work. At that point I was in a point of denial and at the back of my head that my partner was only on holiday. I thought I had prepared myself at the funeral. I had never cried so much in my life. The pain of loosing someone you love dearly is unimaginable. Tears can never define how much pain and suffering someone is going through.

I went through so much emotions for the past weeks. Of pain. Of fear. Of death. Of disappointment. But tonight I feel inspired. I hope that I will remember this night as I journey through my process of healing.

 

Tonight I face my reality of uncertainties. I do not know what the future will hold but as long as I have a future ahead of me is something that I am looking forward to. I will try my very best to stand back on my own feet and regain my strength and confidence. I shall look forward to seeing a different me and I shall embrace freedom and the joy of only looking after myself.

I know what I want to do. I will try my very best to achieve it.

Love,

M.