Fear

August 30, 2014

8:57 A.M.

Listening to M. Peyroux

Warwick, U.K.

Dear Life,

Feeling down today. One of those days but glad that I read this:


“My goal right now is to keep walking through fear,” he continues. “I think everyone has that feeling that they are meant for something more. That there is this form of self-actualisation that has yet to occur. Fear is the only thing that stops us achieving our goals.”

                                                                                                                              Jason Segel

Battling on.

Savoring Life One day at a Time.


Love,

M. xxx

Singlehood

August 29, 2014

 

7:33 A.M

 

Tea morning

 

Warwick, U.K.

 

 

Dear Life,

 

 

Starting a new life for myself is something that I thought would be easy simply because my beloved partner and I discussed about my future before he passed away. Both he and I are on the same boat with regards to worrying each other and so he wanted to make sure that I will be set for life. Now that the my future is slowly unfolding before me it seems daunting even if I have prepared myself for it. I suppose to an extent it is like going into battle. You can prepare yourself for months or years but when the day comes that you have to face reality ---FEAR-- strikes and grips you and all you can do is embrace and keep battling on. 

 

So yes, as Fearful as I am now I shall keep battling on.

 

The one thing that terrifies me is going on through life by myself. I certainly found not only love in my partner but more than that I found comfort. Comfort in knowing that we will take care of each other.  That comfort is no longer there. Going through life by myself for now is something that I have to get use to and yes it does take courage.

 

I still feel lucky considering what life has put me through. It is very difficult to count your blessings when you are absolutely heartbroken but I tried and still trying. I am thankful that I am still conscious of everything that is going on around me. That I still can pick up morsels of life messages whispering "I will be alright". Perhaps it is my partner still looking after me.

 

It took me some time to register in my head that I single now. That it is alright to be single. That I can manage to be single. To some or even a lot of people being a single person seems lonesome which I find to be untrue. I have met people who are single, who embraced it, and they are happily content. Yes, I will need to get used to the thought that I am now.....for now. I also need time to grieve and start this chapter of my life properly before I let anyone into my life. I need to take time to bake another cake and when the right person comes along --- he will be the icing on it.

 

I start this new chapter in my life as a single person. A single person facing Life Uncertainties might be daunting but to face it nevertheless is the key in starting all over. Loneliness might come but I need to remind myself that I am never alone in this journey.

 

Savoring Life One day at a Time.

 

 

Love,

M. xxx

Freedom

 

 

August 27, 2014

 

8:08 A.M.

 

Warm Summer morning

 

Warwick, U.K.

 

 

 

Dear Life,

 

The past days has been cold and raining and I honestly miss my tropical sunshine but I am glad that while writing this letter I am getting some warm sunshine out of my bedroom window which is very refreshing.

 

My last letter talked about embracing uncertainties. Today I want to write about embracing freedom.

 

For the past seven years I made sure that my needs were set aside. To have a partner who is going through cancer takes more than strength and patience. It takes so MUCH LOVE for anybody to stand beside a person who is going through this illness.  My partner's needs was my priority and purpose. I primarily focused on that and to make sure that he is also happy, which I believe he was. Truth be told I went into a bit of depression when I realized that without my partner I could find no purpose. I felt useless and unwanted. I even contemplated on shaving my hair off and thankfully there isn't any electric shaver around the house. A form of erasing myself.

 

When I write about "Embracing Freedom" it really doesn't mean that my life for the past years has been a prison cell. Truth be told if we are given a great responsibility we do sometimes feel that we are held back in living our lives to an extent. I placed my life on hold for the man that I love. It was a choice that I made and something that I have no regrets whatsoever. I did it for Love and it was all worth it.

 

Embracing freedom for me now means that the responsibility of looking after someone is finished. I am FREE to make a new choice in this new chapter of my life and the choice that I make and will make from now on is:

 

To Look After Myself

 

For someone like me whose nature is to nurture someone than himself there is no doubt that this choice is something that I will have to get used to.

 

Something new for this new chapter of my Life.

 

Savoring Life One day at a Time.

 

Love,

 

M. xxx

Inspired

August 25, 2014

10:08 P.M.

Cool Summer night

Warwick, U.K.

 

Dear Life,

Here I am again writing. It has been .... i don’t know.... centuries to be honest since I have written something. It feels like it. I know for certain that I only write when I am inspired. So yes, tonight I am going to write and perhaps many nights from now I shall write again and again.

My partner of seven years just died of cancer. A month ago I was travelling every single day by bus and spent the whole day with him. He would have good days but when the bad days come it would be very bad. He would be screaming with pain and something that I wish to forget. I shall never forget the night when he passed away. I already knew it was time hours before he left. It was about 8 at night when I was left alone with him. He was already so drugged up we were only waiting for his body to shut down. At that point he was unresponsive but I know My Love could still hear me. I spoke to him for the very last time that warm July night. I told him how much he is love by his very close friends and brother. I told him how much I love him and how much I learned to love someone because of him. We both worry so much of eachother and I knew he was worried of leaving me behind. I reassured him that I will be alright and that he doesnt need to worry about anything at all. He has been very strong and very brave not only through his battle with cancer but all through his life that it was alright for him to rest. I will never forget me playing our favourite song “La Mer” and when I turned the music off I told him that we will sleep together. I kisses him and told him how much I love him that I shall carry his love forever with me. I placed my head over his shoulder to sleep that night. I slept deeply and an hour after the nurse woke me up to tell me My Love has passed away. I was in complete shocked, everything stopped and I felt that I was in different time and place. I could barely cry at that moment.

I rang a good friend of ours and she rushed to fetch me. I met her at the driveway. When I met her she hugged me and my cries echoed through the night. I shall never forget the cool breeze that night and the pain that my cries carried through the place.

The following days came as a complete blur of doing paper work. At that point I was in a point of denial and at the back of my head that my partner was only on holiday. I thought I had prepared myself at the funeral. I had never cried so much in my life. The pain of loosing someone you love dearly is unimaginable. Tears can never define how much pain and suffering someone is going through.

I went through so much emotions for the past weeks. Of pain. Of fear. Of death. Of disappointment. But tonight I feel inspired. I hope that I will remember this night as I journey through my process of healing.

 

Tonight I face my reality of uncertainties. I do not know what the future will hold but as long as I have a future ahead of me is something that I am looking forward to. I will try my very best to stand back on my own feet and regain my strength and confidence. I shall look forward to seeing a different me and I shall embrace freedom and the joy of only looking after myself.

I know what I want to do. I will try my very best to achieve it.

Love,

M.