Inspired

August 25, 2014

10:08 P.M.

Cool Summer night

Warwick, U.K.

 

Dear Life,

Here I am again writing. It has been .... i don’t know.... centuries to be honest since I have written something. It feels like it. I know for certain that I only write when I am inspired. So yes, tonight I am going to write and perhaps many nights from now I shall write again and again.

My partner of seven years just died of cancer. A month ago I was travelling every single day by bus and spent the whole day with him. He would have good days but when the bad days come it would be very bad. He would be screaming with pain and something that I wish to forget. I shall never forget the night when he passed away. I already knew it was time hours before he left. It was about 8 at night when I was left alone with him. He was already so drugged up we were only waiting for his body to shut down. At that point he was unresponsive but I know My Love could still hear me. I spoke to him for the very last time that warm July night. I told him how much he is love by his very close friends and brother. I told him how much I love him and how much I learned to love someone because of him. We both worry so much of eachother and I knew he was worried of leaving me behind. I reassured him that I will be alright and that he doesnt need to worry about anything at all. He has been very strong and very brave not only through his battle with cancer but all through his life that it was alright for him to rest. I will never forget me playing our favourite song “La Mer” and when I turned the music off I told him that we will sleep together. I kisses him and told him how much I love him that I shall carry his love forever with me. I placed my head over his shoulder to sleep that night. I slept deeply and an hour after the nurse woke me up to tell me My Love has passed away. I was in complete shocked, everything stopped and I felt that I was in different time and place. I could barely cry at that moment.

I rang a good friend of ours and she rushed to fetch me. I met her at the driveway. When I met her she hugged me and my cries echoed through the night. I shall never forget the cool breeze that night and the pain that my cries carried through the place.

The following days came as a complete blur of doing paper work. At that point I was in a point of denial and at the back of my head that my partner was only on holiday. I thought I had prepared myself at the funeral. I had never cried so much in my life. The pain of loosing someone you love dearly is unimaginable. Tears can never define how much pain and suffering someone is going through.

I went through so much emotions for the past weeks. Of pain. Of fear. Of death. Of disappointment. But tonight I feel inspired. I hope that I will remember this night as I journey through my process of healing.

 

Tonight I face my reality of uncertainties. I do not know what the future will hold but as long as I have a future ahead of me is something that I am looking forward to. I will try my very best to stand back on my own feet and regain my strength and confidence. I shall look forward to seeing a different me and I shall embrace freedom and the joy of only looking after myself.

I know what I want to do. I will try my very best to achieve it.

Love,

M.